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Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
How many baby's does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
Why does a bunny have flat feet?
To stomp out burning forest fires.
Why does an elephant have flat feet?
To stomp out burning bunnys.
Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 in a seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well I guess im going to get a drivers licence", he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him" said a woman in the passenger seat, " He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
Then the guy in the back seat said,"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunck and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
there was a new rooster brought to a farm.
well the old rooster was talking to the young rooster and goes
"I can beat you in a race"
well the young rooster replys
"no you cant and Ill give you a head start, Ill still beat ya!"
So the old rooster draws a line.
he says
"ok if i win i get the prettiest chicken if you win you get her"
the young rooster goes
"ok, on three you go and I give you five seconds"
the old rooster goes
" 1....2....3" and he was gone
then the young rooster counts to five and easily catches up with the old rooster
Kaboom!
the farmer shoots the young rooster and says
" damn thats the fifth gay rooster this week!"
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.
The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.
The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.
The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"
The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy".
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks"Were you talking to me"?
The horse replies"Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cuz I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer"Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field".
The farmer replies, "Son you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."
9 Rules Every Dog Should
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
Know
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"
This boy wanted a parrett so his mom took him to get one. Once he got the bird home the bird started cussing at anything and everbody. When the boy yelled the parett cussed more. So being fed up with the parrett he put it in the freezer. After a minute or so the bird was quiet. So thinking he had accidently hurt the bird he opened the freezer door. When the bird came out he said, " I am so sorry I will never cuss again" Then he said " May I ask what the turkey did?"
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise."
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too
easy. Around 3:00 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I
got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.(Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals
12 cuckoos = midnight.)The next morning my husband asked my what time I got in and I
told him "midnight." He didn't seem upset at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed
twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
15 things to Do in Walmart
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code
3' in housewares".... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick
your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK
ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Meet Bob. when bob drives and see's lawyers on the side of the road, he swerves to hit them and run the down.
one day bobs driving along and knocking down lawyers everywhere, when he comes across a priest. the priest is a long way from anywhere and so bob asks if hed like a ride.
the priest graciously accepts and hops in the back seat.
bob...forgetting that there is a preist in the back seat, sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him, but as he looks in his rear view mirror he sees the priest and swerves back, narrowly missing the lawyer with the car.
he turns to the priest and says "sorry father"
the priest replies
"its okay son, i got him with the door"
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